![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
more people read your thoughts than you think in the world of voyeurs and public diaries.
for a while i thought i was doing some good...
ranting and writing about things that bother me or things i'd like to see changing in the world.
but you know what....
it only takes a few assholes to knock you off your horse.
i'm so fucking sensitive to people.
whether they think they can speak their mind in my blog isnt my problem it's the fact they are reading in the first place if it offends them.
why read MY blog..if it offends you?
what's keeping you coming back to read if you dont like what you see.
no reason to complain if you have no buisness reading something when you dont have to.
it's like picking a fight on someone elses territory.
anyways..
i'm going to try and stay away from blogging on myspace.
too many people dont understand me..
kevin doesnt even understand me and that's because "he doesnt care."
whatever.
i'm alone. . . even though i'm not really alone, it still feels that way when you're misunderstood.
P.S. RUMSFELD RESIGNED?? WOAH NELLY!
for a while i thought i was doing some good...
ranting and writing about things that bother me or things i'd like to see changing in the world.
but you know what....
it only takes a few assholes to knock you off your horse.
i'm so fucking sensitive to people.
whether they think they can speak their mind in my blog isnt my problem it's the fact they are reading in the first place if it offends them.
why read MY blog..if it offends you?
what's keeping you coming back to read if you dont like what you see.
no reason to complain if you have no buisness reading something when you dont have to.
it's like picking a fight on someone elses territory.
anyways..
i'm going to try and stay away from blogging on myspace.
too many people dont understand me..
kevin doesnt even understand me and that's because "he doesnt care."
whatever.
i'm alone. . . even though i'm not really alone, it still feels that way when you're misunderstood.
P.S. RUMSFELD RESIGNED?? WOAH NELLY!
| You are a Social Conservative (33% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (33% permissive) You are best described as a:
Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test |
A few months ago, before I really started realizing how the system works I was over on the other side I believe. Kevin will remember but this is different. I actually understood the questions more cause I've been subjected to a lot of the politics where I work.
One question I wanted to explain my answer...
Should governments subsidize art museums and such that are struggling...
I said no.
The more involved the government gets with things like art, limits what we will see if they happen to find it unpatriotic or offensive.
Anyways...very interesting.
The goal of this test was to exactly classify your personal politics, without the traditional labels. We avoided the edgy party issues and focused on fundamental values. Your score is a measure of what you believe in, economically and socially.
Higher permissiveness, on either axis, indicates a "live and let live" philosophy. Of course, we're almost conditioned in America, "Land of the Free", to think positively of such a philosophy. But practically speaking, permissiviness (or its opposite, regulation) can create any number of outcomes:
For example, on the economic axis, a highly permissive system, like the American system of the early 1900s, might mean things like low taxes and increased scientific innovation. It might also result, as it did back then, in unrestricted child labor and millions of poor people with black lung.
At the other end of the economic spectrum, a highly regulated system might conserve the environment, establish national health care, and eliminate poverty. But as we've learned from the Soviet system, extreme regulation can also lead to stagnation, sameness, and unhappiness."
| You are a Social Conservative (33% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (33% permissive) You are best described as a:
Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test |
A few months ago, before I really started realizing how the system works I was over on the other side I believe. Kevin will remember but this is different. I actually understood the questions more cause I've been subjected to a lot of the politics where I work.
One question I wanted to explain my answer...
Should governments subsidize art museums and such that are struggling...
I said no.
The more involved the government gets with things like art, limits what we will see if they happen to find it unpatriotic or offensive.
Anyways...very interesting.
The goal of this test was to exactly classify your personal politics, without the traditional labels. We avoided the edgy party issues and focused on fundamental values. Your score is a measure of what you believe in, economically and socially.
Higher permissiveness, on either axis, indicates a "live and let live" philosophy. Of course, we're almost conditioned in America, "Land of the Free", to think positively of such a philosophy. But practically speaking, permissiviness (or its opposite, regulation) can create any number of outcomes:
For example, on the economic axis, a highly permissive system, like the American system of the early 1900s, might mean things like low taxes and increased scientific innovation. It might also result, as it did back then, in unrestricted child labor and millions of poor people with black lung.
At the other end of the economic spectrum, a highly regulated system might conserve the environment, establish national health care, and eliminate poverty. But as we've learned from the Soviet system, extreme regulation can also lead to stagnation, sameness, and unhappiness.
NEW YORK - Colleen Harris doesn't fit the stereotype of the buttoned-up librarian. Her arms are covered with a pirate queen motif and black scrolling tattoos, which extend down the side of her body to her ankle. A black rose and the words "Dangerous Magic" adorn the back of her left hand, and the words "Anam Cara" (old Gaelic for "soul friend") letter her knuckles.
The 27-year-old — who has multiple masters degrees and a job at the University of Kentucky's research library — feels no pressure to cover up.
"It's not really possible at this point, unless I wore gloves," Harris said, adding that she thinks academia has been more accepting of her body art than the corporate world would be. "I think my qualifications should speak for themselves."
The face of the young American worker is changing, and it's increasingly decorated with ink and metal. About half of people in their 20s have either a tattoo or a body piercing other than traditional earrings, according to a study published in June in the Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology. That figure, which is higher than the national average, is growing, said Anne Laumann, the study's co-author and a dermatologist at Northwestern University.
As a result, employers are finding that dress codes may need updating. In some cases, bosses are loosening up to attract young talent. In others, managers are adding new rules to keep body art covered up.
"In the past, there were very general dress codes. Now, I see dress codes that are five pages long," said David Barron, an attorney with Epstein Becker Green Wickliff & Hall PC. "Employers see a need to be very, very specific, and draw lines very clearly."
At the medication flavoring company Flavorx — where the average employee is about 28 years old — chief financial officer Woodie Neiss recently told human resources to add a body art section to the dress code, after an employee showed up to work with an eyebrow piercing.
A sizable portion of his 40 employees have body art, Neiss said. He knows it because he's seen them show it off to each other in the office.
"Do whatever you want to your body, but I don't want to be subjected to it in the workplace," Neiss said. He added that body art can be a distraction, and especially important to hide when investors visit the office.
Usually, it's a simple matter of discussion and compromise. Most piercings are on the face, according to the recent study, but they can be removed. Only about 15 percent of people with tattoos have them on their face, neck or hands, the study showed, so the rest can be covered by clothing.
Michael Sacks, 24, who works at the public relations firm SheaHedges Group in McLean, Va., has three tattoos: on his stomach, the initials of a friend who died; on his back, the word "Persistence"; and on his ankle, his fraternity letters, Phi Gamma Delta. None can be seen when he's wearing his work clothes, and he says that's intentional.
"It's a visibility issue. No one cares what you have on your body as long as you don't have to look at it," Sacks said. "I want to be perceived as a professional."
It all depends on the industry. Harris, the librarian, worked in corporate technology sales before her library science degrees and tattoos. Her only visible body art was a nose stud, but she voluntarily removed it while at work.
"It's a matter of catering to your clientele, no matter where you are," she said.
For some companies, allowing body art can be a boon — it attracts young workers that may not feel welcome in more conservative environments, said Paul Forster, CEO of the job search Web site Indeed.com (which shows that postings for tattoo artist have surged in the past year). Forster allows body art in the office, and about a quarter of his 25 employees have it.
"Most work is done via e-mail, instant message, over the phone. We don't have those face-to-face issues," Forster said.
Of course, at workplaces like design firms, salons, and retailers targeting the young demographic, hiring employees with body art is par for the course. Joe Duffy — CEO of the design firm Duffy & Partners, which has developed branding for companies including Coca-Cola, BMW and Starbucks — said he hired a young woman about a year ago who used her tattoos as part of her application portfolio.
But in traditionally suit-and-tie service industries, bosses want body art hidden, according to Talar Herculian, an employment attorney with Fisher & Phillips LLP in Irvine, Calif. — and that means going about restricting it legally. More employers err on the side of being too vague about their dress code rather than too strict, she said, and that's when problems emerge.
"Most people who don't have counsel don't realize what their rights are. They're afraid to impose restrictions. You can be very stringent," Herculian said. If a dress code is put into writing and doesn't discriminate between the sexes, it can be enforced legally, as long as employers are open to negotiating compromises for health or religious reasons.
The major U.S. lawsuit regarding body piercings — Costco Wholesale Corp. versus an employee who was a member of the Church of Body Modification — found in favor of the employer. Still, Barron said, it's important to note that the decision wasn't an automatic one; the courts will weigh the burden of the employee against the burden of the employer.
"Old stereotypes are being challenged. What seemed very accepted 10 years ago may not be now," Barron said. "A lot of younger folks are entering the work force. The standards that have been in place are going to be pushed, and usually the way they're pushed is through lawsuits."
Will there be a point when bosses don't bat an eye at their employees' body art?
"We're probably another 10 years away from that. You have to wait until these guys and girls are managers themselves," Flavorx's Neiss said. "If you're a suit-and-tie kind of place, I don't think it'll ever be appropriate there."
In some sectors, though, the shift may already be happening: SheaHedges' Sacks said that a few months ago at an interview with what he describes as a "quirky" PR firm in Minneapolis, the topic of tattoos arose. The interviewer stood up, lifted her leg on her desk, and pulled up her pant leg to show him the big butterfly tattoo on her calf.
The 27-year-old — who has multiple masters degrees and a job at the University of Kentucky's research library — feels no pressure to cover up.
"It's not really possible at this point, unless I wore gloves," Harris said, adding that she thinks academia has been more accepting of her body art than the corporate world would be. "I think my qualifications should speak for themselves."
The face of the young American worker is changing, and it's increasingly decorated with ink and metal. About half of people in their 20s have either a tattoo or a body piercing other than traditional earrings, according to a study published in June in the Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology. That figure, which is higher than the national average, is growing, said Anne Laumann, the study's co-author and a dermatologist at Northwestern University.
As a result, employers are finding that dress codes may need updating. In some cases, bosses are loosening up to attract young talent. In others, managers are adding new rules to keep body art covered up.
"In the past, there were very general dress codes. Now, I see dress codes that are five pages long," said David Barron, an attorney with Epstein Becker Green Wickliff & Hall PC. "Employers see a need to be very, very specific, and draw lines very clearly."
At the medication flavoring company Flavorx — where the average employee is about 28 years old — chief financial officer Woodie Neiss recently told human resources to add a body art section to the dress code, after an employee showed up to work with an eyebrow piercing.
A sizable portion of his 40 employees have body art, Neiss said. He knows it because he's seen them show it off to each other in the office.
"Do whatever you want to your body, but I don't want to be subjected to it in the workplace," Neiss said. He added that body art can be a distraction, and especially important to hide when investors visit the office.
Usually, it's a simple matter of discussion and compromise. Most piercings are on the face, according to the recent study, but they can be removed. Only about 15 percent of people with tattoos have them on their face, neck or hands, the study showed, so the rest can be covered by clothing.
Michael Sacks, 24, who works at the public relations firm SheaHedges Group in McLean, Va., has three tattoos: on his stomach, the initials of a friend who died; on his back, the word "Persistence"; and on his ankle, his fraternity letters, Phi Gamma Delta. None can be seen when he's wearing his work clothes, and he says that's intentional.
"It's a visibility issue. No one cares what you have on your body as long as you don't have to look at it," Sacks said. "I want to be perceived as a professional."
It all depends on the industry. Harris, the librarian, worked in corporate technology sales before her library science degrees and tattoos. Her only visible body art was a nose stud, but she voluntarily removed it while at work.
"It's a matter of catering to your clientele, no matter where you are," she said.
For some companies, allowing body art can be a boon — it attracts young workers that may not feel welcome in more conservative environments, said Paul Forster, CEO of the job search Web site Indeed.com (which shows that postings for tattoo artist have surged in the past year). Forster allows body art in the office, and about a quarter of his 25 employees have it.
"Most work is done via e-mail, instant message, over the phone. We don't have those face-to-face issues," Forster said.
Of course, at workplaces like design firms, salons, and retailers targeting the young demographic, hiring employees with body art is par for the course. Joe Duffy — CEO of the design firm Duffy & Partners, which has developed branding for companies including Coca-Cola, BMW and Starbucks — said he hired a young woman about a year ago who used her tattoos as part of her application portfolio.
But in traditionally suit-and-tie service industries, bosses want body art hidden, according to Talar Herculian, an employment attorney with Fisher & Phillips LLP in Irvine, Calif. — and that means going about restricting it legally. More employers err on the side of being too vague about their dress code rather than too strict, she said, and that's when problems emerge.
"Most people who don't have counsel don't realize what their rights are. They're afraid to impose restrictions. You can be very stringent," Herculian said. If a dress code is put into writing and doesn't discriminate between the sexes, it can be enforced legally, as long as employers are open to negotiating compromises for health or religious reasons.
The major U.S. lawsuit regarding body piercings — Costco Wholesale Corp. versus an employee who was a member of the Church of Body Modification — found in favor of the employer. Still, Barron said, it's important to note that the decision wasn't an automatic one; the courts will weigh the burden of the employee against the burden of the employer.
"Old stereotypes are being challenged. What seemed very accepted 10 years ago may not be now," Barron said. "A lot of younger folks are entering the work force. The standards that have been in place are going to be pushed, and usually the way they're pushed is through lawsuits."
Will there be a point when bosses don't bat an eye at their employees' body art?
"We're probably another 10 years away from that. You have to wait until these guys and girls are managers themselves," Flavorx's Neiss said. "If you're a suit-and-tie kind of place, I don't think it'll ever be appropriate there."
In some sectors, though, the shift may already be happening: SheaHedges' Sacks said that a few months ago at an interview with what he describes as a "quirky" PR firm in Minneapolis, the topic of tattoos arose. The interviewer stood up, lifted her leg on her desk, and pulled up her pant leg to show him the big butterfly tattoo on her calf.
So yeah I bought some clothes from DeLia's it should get here withint 7-10 days. HOTT shit!
I'm getting the tights, not the shoes.
I'm getting the tights, not the shoes.
- Location:work
- Mood:
lazy - Music:none
I've had a problem with this woman at my work since Katrina. She was talking shit behind my back saying I didnt deserve to work here and that it must be a "white thing" and that I'm only here because my dad is a captain.
Well, I've been nothing but sweet to everyone at work. Being the new person has already made me feel apprehensive. Most people dont know how to work in an environment where there are 20 black people and 4 white ones.
And you know what, race never seems to be an issue with ANYONE that works here, except for her and she's my supervisor.
She hates me.
She hates me because the lady who use to work here before Katrina was fired along with another lady who she was very close with. Now, I told my captain not to keep me because it wouldnt be right to keep someone who's just been hired and has only worked there for 3 months (pre kat) and after Katrina, he was told to let go anyone he didnt want or need, so he let go the other two older women, who have been working there for 5 years. I felt horrible. Sgt was really close to one of those women and she always went on how pissed she was about that decision, which made me feel unwanted and shitty.
I told my dad about what my sgt said and how it hurt me, well she was already on thin ice with the captain and when he heard she said that from my dad, she came up to me and apologized the most fake apology i've ever heard.
She came up to me and said "I understand I said some things that hurt your feelings..." she didnt even admit she said it, she acted as if no one heard what she said. My friend Darlene, who I'd consider one of my best friends, over heard her telling this to the two ladies that were fired. When she heard that she kept listening and not only was she talking about me, but she mentioned how Darlene shouldnt be there but because she's got cancer she needs health insurance, also her sister is a captain so this gave my sgt, more of a reason to think it's a "white thing" and anyone who has ties with a captain.
You know, I'm a very sensitive person, I can be gullible at times but I understand theatre. I know when someone is just putting on a show or lying to me, and she was lying.
Ever since I knew she said that I've felt awkward around her. I try to be nice, I tell her good morning, and goodbye and always ask for permission to do things. I'm incredibly respectful of my coworkers, but I dont think it's right she disrespect me just because I'm the youngest person here. The next to youngest person is 28 years old and after that it's 38 years old.
I hate racism, I hate lies...
Why am I bringing this up today?
Because recently she's been in a bad mood, and takes it out on me. She gave me the most insulting LOOK today.
I went by her office to deliver a message and told her one of the officer's were on a detail, so she knew what to change in payroll. All she did was look me up and down, then up and down with a disgusted look, like I was wearing something inappropriate - which i'm not.
I'm wearing black capri pants that arent tight, chunky heels, a black sweater and a white tank top. NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! My boobs and arse are hanging out so why the look?
Its funny to note that she's closest with the only other person I have a problem with, who always asks "whats wrong with your hair?" or "what's wrong with your face?" - referring to my acne when it was really bad and ALREADY embaressing. What the fuck? why are these people so cruel?
You think that when you get out of college or highschool these cliques end and people grow up, but working in the real world has made me realize, that nothing changes, people get older, smarter and just more deceptive.
It's sad and it's hurtful. I'm a kind hearted person, I deserve to be treated with respect because I respect others.
I cant handle this much longer and if I leave, i'll just tell my captain that I've never felt comfortable with her...it's a shame cause whenever she's not here, I am FINE.
She just has this negativity towards me that makes me feel like I shouldnt be here.
Maybe I should look into coffee shops, I heard from Kelly some of the places had health benefits.
Well, I've been nothing but sweet to everyone at work. Being the new person has already made me feel apprehensive. Most people dont know how to work in an environment where there are 20 black people and 4 white ones.
And you know what, race never seems to be an issue with ANYONE that works here, except for her and she's my supervisor.
She hates me.
She hates me because the lady who use to work here before Katrina was fired along with another lady who she was very close with. Now, I told my captain not to keep me because it wouldnt be right to keep someone who's just been hired and has only worked there for 3 months (pre kat) and after Katrina, he was told to let go anyone he didnt want or need, so he let go the other two older women, who have been working there for 5 years. I felt horrible. Sgt was really close to one of those women and she always went on how pissed she was about that decision, which made me feel unwanted and shitty.
I told my dad about what my sgt said and how it hurt me, well she was already on thin ice with the captain and when he heard she said that from my dad, she came up to me and apologized the most fake apology i've ever heard.
She came up to me and said "I understand I said some things that hurt your feelings..." she didnt even admit she said it, she acted as if no one heard what she said. My friend Darlene, who I'd consider one of my best friends, over heard her telling this to the two ladies that were fired. When she heard that she kept listening and not only was she talking about me, but she mentioned how Darlene shouldnt be there but because she's got cancer she needs health insurance, also her sister is a captain so this gave my sgt, more of a reason to think it's a "white thing" and anyone who has ties with a captain.
You know, I'm a very sensitive person, I can be gullible at times but I understand theatre. I know when someone is just putting on a show or lying to me, and she was lying.
Ever since I knew she said that I've felt awkward around her. I try to be nice, I tell her good morning, and goodbye and always ask for permission to do things. I'm incredibly respectful of my coworkers, but I dont think it's right she disrespect me just because I'm the youngest person here. The next to youngest person is 28 years old and after that it's 38 years old.
I hate racism, I hate lies...
Why am I bringing this up today?
Because recently she's been in a bad mood, and takes it out on me. She gave me the most insulting LOOK today.
I went by her office to deliver a message and told her one of the officer's were on a detail, so she knew what to change in payroll. All she did was look me up and down, then up and down with a disgusted look, like I was wearing something inappropriate - which i'm not.
I'm wearing black capri pants that arent tight, chunky heels, a black sweater and a white tank top. NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! My boobs and arse are hanging out so why the look?
Its funny to note that she's closest with the only other person I have a problem with, who always asks "whats wrong with your hair?" or "what's wrong with your face?" - referring to my acne when it was really bad and ALREADY embaressing. What the fuck? why are these people so cruel?
You think that when you get out of college or highschool these cliques end and people grow up, but working in the real world has made me realize, that nothing changes, people get older, smarter and just more deceptive.
It's sad and it's hurtful. I'm a kind hearted person, I deserve to be treated with respect because I respect others.
I cant handle this much longer and if I leave, i'll just tell my captain that I've never felt comfortable with her...it's a shame cause whenever she's not here, I am FINE.
She just has this negativity towards me that makes me feel like I shouldnt be here.
Maybe I should look into coffee shops, I heard from Kelly some of the places had health benefits.
- Mood:
sleepy
I'm getting more and more more concerned with worldy affairs.
I dont even care about art anymore, I'm totally concerned about the world and humanity.
World War III is closer than I expected. I have a feeling we're going to get hit soon. Kevin and I were talking about how we think New Orleans, Phoenix, Colorado, Chicago, Los Angelos, Miami, NYC all of those places are TARGETS. New Orleans because we're the biggest port. Phoenix is a HUGE city...5th biggest in the U.S. It's just really scary how close the end is...the end of the world or the end of our current consciousness.
Like Maurice Cotterell said, we need to accept the fact that THIS is hell...
I dont even care about art anymore, I'm totally concerned about the world and humanity.
World War III is closer than I expected. I have a feeling we're going to get hit soon. Kevin and I were talking about how we think New Orleans, Phoenix, Colorado, Chicago, Los Angelos, Miami, NYC all of those places are TARGETS. New Orleans because we're the biggest port. Phoenix is a HUGE city...5th biggest in the U.S. It's just really scary how close the end is...the end of the world or the end of our current consciousness.
Like Maurice Cotterell said, we need to accept the fact that THIS is hell...
I was bad this morning. I dig through things that arent mine and find things I end up not wanting to know about.
But I just dont know how to take some things...
Sending out surveys for people to fill out for you is a desperate attempt to find out what others think of you, if you want to know, just straight up ask them.
Here's a few of the questions...
Are we friends? .....
Do you want us to be more than friends?
Well his response to that wasnt incredibly clear.
It was a "haha" but what the fuck does that mean? Does that mean "Dont ask that question because you know I have a girlfriend"??? OR does that "Haha" mean "Dont ask that question because I shouldnt be thinking these thoughts" ???
Why would he laugh at that question.
Why wouldnt he just say "I've got a girlfriend"? Instead it's like he's trying to lead her on or give her hope, FLIRT with her. Why would you flirt with someone, I know you've dated?
I guess he thought I stopped checking his mail, and actually, I did. But today I was curious. I was curious because this morning he was such a fucking sweetheart, albeit drunk but he was mushy and kept telling me how beautiful I was as if he had done something wrong, like there was some ultier motive to his compliments.
He's a good guy, he puts up with a lot of my bipolar bullshit and many accusations however, I dont appreciate that response because he does NOT think about how that will look to her. He doesnt think that may give her some slight inclination that they could be something more than friends.
You know, I find just as many other guys attractive as he does girls, however, I dont save pictures of them on my computer and I CERTAINLY dont flirt with them. I have respect for this relationship and I respect you. Yes, I guess it's hypocritical to say that when I'm disrespecting you by invading your privacy but I've got trust issues and I'm really trying to work on that. However, for every time I find something, you can always assume there will be another time that I'll go back and check up on it to see if anything has changed. Example, I find something like this that isnt clear to me, gives me reason to go back and see what else you'll say.
I dont flirt with other men, they barely exist to me. It's all about you...always.
I guess I'm just fucking doomed. 4 people have cheated on me? FOUR! I'm what 20? I've let four people cheat on me?! Obviously there is something wrong with ME. But I never see myself doing anything but GOOD for these people and I wind up getting hurt somehow.
I dont like the fact that this girl could read his ambiguous "haha" and think she could steal him away from me. To me, that's a slap in my foolish-oh so in love- face. She can go on thinking "Yeah he's got a girlfriend but he wants me too"
I dont want to be that girl EVER the fuck AGAIN.
I've been treated like shit and shat on more times than I've deserved, because I'm ALWAYS the faithful fucking lover.
But I just dont know how to take some things...
Sending out surveys for people to fill out for you is a desperate attempt to find out what others think of you, if you want to know, just straight up ask them.
Here's a few of the questions...
Are we friends? .....
Do you want us to be more than friends?
Well his response to that wasnt incredibly clear.
It was a "haha" but what the fuck does that mean? Does that mean "Dont ask that question because you know I have a girlfriend"??? OR does that "Haha" mean "Dont ask that question because I shouldnt be thinking these thoughts" ???
Why would he laugh at that question.
Why wouldnt he just say "I've got a girlfriend"? Instead it's like he's trying to lead her on or give her hope, FLIRT with her. Why would you flirt with someone, I know you've dated?
I guess he thought I stopped checking his mail, and actually, I did. But today I was curious. I was curious because this morning he was such a fucking sweetheart, albeit drunk but he was mushy and kept telling me how beautiful I was as if he had done something wrong, like there was some ultier motive to his compliments.
He's a good guy, he puts up with a lot of my bipolar bullshit and many accusations however, I dont appreciate that response because he does NOT think about how that will look to her. He doesnt think that may give her some slight inclination that they could be something more than friends.
You know, I find just as many other guys attractive as he does girls, however, I dont save pictures of them on my computer and I CERTAINLY dont flirt with them. I have respect for this relationship and I respect you. Yes, I guess it's hypocritical to say that when I'm disrespecting you by invading your privacy but I've got trust issues and I'm really trying to work on that. However, for every time I find something, you can always assume there will be another time that I'll go back and check up on it to see if anything has changed. Example, I find something like this that isnt clear to me, gives me reason to go back and see what else you'll say.
I dont flirt with other men, they barely exist to me. It's all about you...always.
I guess I'm just fucking doomed. 4 people have cheated on me? FOUR! I'm what 20? I've let four people cheat on me?! Obviously there is something wrong with ME. But I never see myself doing anything but GOOD for these people and I wind up getting hurt somehow.
I dont like the fact that this girl could read his ambiguous "haha" and think she could steal him away from me. To me, that's a slap in my foolish-oh so in love- face. She can go on thinking "Yeah he's got a girlfriend but he wants me too"
I dont want to be that girl EVER the fuck AGAIN.
I've been treated like shit and shat on more times than I've deserved, because I'm ALWAYS the faithful fucking lover.
I can really agree with that saying. It's something Jennifer Aniston said.."I dont make plans, I make options"
Because when you make a plan, you're setting yourself up for failure no matter what, because you're planning on doing something. However, if you have options and you follow one or a few, you can never be let down because they were only options and never set in stone.
I've been doing my homework for when I move to Phoenix. Here are the obvious things I could do...
~Be a stripper
(boo)
Hypocritical and degrading but I'm going to lose my health insurance and all the benefits I have at this job unless I find another painful job like this where I'll be stuck forever and NEVER do something I like.
OR....
~Yoga Teacher Training
~Bartender School
~Cosmetology School
Things like that where I can learn a trade, instead of wasting thousands on college, money I dont have nor will I have.
My biggest concern is health insurnace. My birth control is already 50$. Maybe I should ask Kevin to pay for it.
I dont want to have to depend on anyone to get money.
I considered cosmetology school 2 years ago, and it was what I was planning on doing because I'm obsessed with the beauty industry. But the good thing about learning that trade, is that you can go ANYWHERE with it. You can always find a job...and I like things like that because it does call for some level of creativity.
I just dont know..
I try to look at things..make my list of options and that's enough because when I say "I'm planning on doing this" and I let myself down...and let others down with my perpetually failing expectations.
It just gives me a headache trying to plan out my life. I'm a free spirit and I want to just say "fuck it" and move but I cant just say "fuck it"
If it turns out that I've got cancer for some weird reason in my cervix, I'm not even sure what or when I'll be able to move. I REALLLY hope everything is okay when I go back for a checkup in November. If not, it will totally ruin EVERYTHING. My relationship with Kevin will end cause he will be moving and he wouldnt stay with me..etc.
I never understood my teachers when they said that if I didnt go to college when I get out of highshcool it would be sooo hard to ever go back.
Now I understand.
I fucked up my life and failed. I let myself and my parents down.
What the fuck am I suppose to do with my life?
Why am I here?
I thought it was for music but music wont pay the bills and unfortunately, there are many better singers and songwriters more attractive who can play the parts that I cant.
I fucked up. So now what?
Because when you make a plan, you're setting yourself up for failure no matter what, because you're planning on doing something. However, if you have options and you follow one or a few, you can never be let down because they were only options and never set in stone.
I've been doing my homework for when I move to Phoenix. Here are the obvious things I could do...
~Be a stripper
(boo)
Hypocritical and degrading but I'm going to lose my health insurance and all the benefits I have at this job unless I find another painful job like this where I'll be stuck forever and NEVER do something I like.
OR....
~Yoga Teacher Training
~Bartender School
~Cosmetology School
Things like that where I can learn a trade, instead of wasting thousands on college, money I dont have nor will I have.
My biggest concern is health insurnace. My birth control is already 50$. Maybe I should ask Kevin to pay for it.
I dont want to have to depend on anyone to get money.
I considered cosmetology school 2 years ago, and it was what I was planning on doing because I'm obsessed with the beauty industry. But the good thing about learning that trade, is that you can go ANYWHERE with it. You can always find a job...and I like things like that because it does call for some level of creativity.
I just dont know..
I try to look at things..make my list of options and that's enough because when I say "I'm planning on doing this" and I let myself down...and let others down with my perpetually failing expectations.
It just gives me a headache trying to plan out my life. I'm a free spirit and I want to just say "fuck it" and move but I cant just say "fuck it"
If it turns out that I've got cancer for some weird reason in my cervix, I'm not even sure what or when I'll be able to move. I REALLLY hope everything is okay when I go back for a checkup in November. If not, it will totally ruin EVERYTHING. My relationship with Kevin will end cause he will be moving and he wouldnt stay with me..etc.
I never understood my teachers when they said that if I didnt go to college when I get out of highshcool it would be sooo hard to ever go back.
Now I understand.
I fucked up my life and failed. I let myself and my parents down.
What the fuck am I suppose to do with my life?
Why am I here?
I thought it was for music but music wont pay the bills and unfortunately, there are many better singers and songwriters more attractive who can play the parts that I cant.
I fucked up. So now what?
I love that movie. ^.
I passed out rather early last night, usually I wait up for Kevin but last night around 1 ish I decided to just go to bed. My afternoon nap was cut short when I received a phonecall from Kevin saying he just got in a car chase. The car chase was a big deal considering it was all over the news.
Anyways, I didnt even hear him come in last night and I usually wake up at the sound of him stirring around in his closet taking off his gear but not last night, all I heard was the tv, and when I was sleeping I could hear the theme from Meet Joe Black playing. I absolutely *love* the theme song for the movie, it is so beautiful.
On a more random note, I stink. I need a bath, like asap. I've been a dirty little hippie lately. Maybe it's not me and just the dirty clothes, jackets I continue to throw over my cold shoulders when I get to work.
Also, I woke up and got to work and realized I've got a stuffy nose. I've been sneezing my butt off and my nose is stuffy and I'm all sniffly.
P.S. I doubt burger king will break a 50 dollar bill eh?
Grrrr. Mesa hungry.
I wanna go home and go sleepy weepy with Kevie poo.
I passed out rather early last night, usually I wait up for Kevin but last night around 1 ish I decided to just go to bed. My afternoon nap was cut short when I received a phonecall from Kevin saying he just got in a car chase. The car chase was a big deal considering it was all over the news.
Anyways, I didnt even hear him come in last night and I usually wake up at the sound of him stirring around in his closet taking off his gear but not last night, all I heard was the tv, and when I was sleeping I could hear the theme from Meet Joe Black playing. I absolutely *love* the theme song for the movie, it is so beautiful.
On a more random note, I stink. I need a bath, like asap. I've been a dirty little hippie lately. Maybe it's not me and just the dirty clothes, jackets I continue to throw over my cold shoulders when I get to work.
Also, I woke up and got to work and realized I've got a stuffy nose. I've been sneezing my butt off and my nose is stuffy and I'm all sniffly.
P.S. I doubt burger king will break a 50 dollar bill eh?
Grrrr. Mesa hungry.
I wanna go home and go sleepy weepy with Kevie poo.
- Mood: tired
But oh isn't it true...
The past never fails to catch up with me and drag me down. My insecurities and paranoia and social anxiety hinder my ability to create the life I deserve and the life that I should be living.
"AQUARIUS-Others might see confidence oozing out from all over you, but you may not feel quite as sure of yourself as they believe. Some of your hesitancy could be left over from a recent run-in with an authority figure. Don't let the past stand in the way of your current potential.
Tuesday, August 8, 2006"
meh? confidence?
you're kidding.
mhmm authority figure? what like my boyfriend? cause he is a cop.
The past never fails to catch up with me and drag me down. My insecurities and paranoia and social anxiety hinder my ability to create the life I deserve and the life that I should be living.
"AQUARIUS-Others might see confidence oozing out from all over you, but you may not feel quite as sure of yourself as they believe. Some of your hesitancy could be left over from a recent run-in with an authority figure. Don't let the past stand in the way of your current potential.
Tuesday, August 8, 2006"
meh? confidence?
you're kidding.
mhmm authority figure? what like my boyfriend? cause he is a cop.
I keep getting myself into trouble. Myspace, the phenomenon, what I would flat out *love* to call a curse, has also been a blessing, but only because I found Kevin, "randomly", on myspace. Apparently it wasn’t random, but meant to be at that moment in time, cause look at us now.
My jealousy and paranoia are really becoming too much for Kevin to handle and he'll probably leave me for it because subconsciously I push people away.
I have this fascination with Angelina Jolie and not because she's seemingly flawless but because she's really unique and quite frankly, fucked up. I watch too much E! and I know far too much about celebrity lives and relationships and I know her and Brad are having problems and I’ve once read that she thinks it's because she pushes men away from her subconsciously because of the relationship she has with her father. Well, I can relate.
My father has fucked me up in ways I couldn’t fathom until now. Always spying on me, tapping the phone, throwing me into counseling and confronting me with "We know you gave Norman a blowjob" when I was 13. Also, the fact he's controlled my money and sheltered me to the point of rebellion up until a few months ago does not help.
I was never close to anyone in my family, now whether or not that is an issue because I'm adopted, and subconsciously THAT has affected me, is still up for debate. But as a child my dad would try and wake me up by kissing me on the cheek and I'd kick him in the stomach or slap him. That was a bit brutal huh? Also, I would scream my head off, according to my mom, if a man stepped in an elevator with us. Apparently, I've always had problems with men and I wonder if this burden will always be something for me to bear. I’ve never even attempted to have a relationship with my mom, but that’s because we just don’t click… at all. I feel bad, it’s just I feel she tries too hard to have one with me and she is constantly asking questions and putting so much attention on me that I guess the spotlight she shines on me is repulsive and scary. One always hesitates before talking about adoption with someone they know who is adopted just because they don’t know if they are likely to hit a sore spot. Well, I’m a tough cookie there and that problem doesn’t bother me, it’s just knowing I don’t know my blood, where I came from and that sense of belonging or family has never existed. I think that is why I’ve pressed so hard on the ideas of marriage and having a family, because I want to have someone who is my blood, who wants to be a family with me, because I don’t feel that with mine. It’s nothing they did, all in all they were great parents, who gave me lots of things money can and
can’t buy, but there’s nothing they or anyone else can do to give me that feeling of home.
Well, I think Kevin could and has and that is why I’m so in love with him. One of my best friends, Jeanne, who is really like my sister said, "Oh I already know this is the guy you are going to marry."
Well my train of thought has derailed entirely, infact I don’t even think it was on the track. All I can say is I’m fucked up and I warn everyone before they get close to me that I’ve got baggage. To quote RENT "I’m looking for baggage that goes with mine.." I love him and fear that one day he will realize how amazing, beautiful and gifted he is and think "I could have whoever I want...I dont need to be with her" and leave me.
I just wrote this about Kevin. I feel like he use to be so obsessed and into me, when I read his blogs on myspace right before we started dating, he'd talk about me so much and the wayyyss he'd talk about me would make me melt. But I fear that he doesnt see me as that beautiful person he wanted to get to know. Now I worry he feels trapped, or like I fooled him into this.
He use to think me perfect
He use to take me as a gift
He would pine to hold my heart
He would die to taste my kiss.
But we’re quite past that now
We’re too far ahead of the crowd
I try to keep him around
But I only seem to let him down.
The flame is fading out
Our spark is just a flicker
Hold on we’re not there yet...
And I’m just getting sicker.
-Katie Paisant-
My jealousy and paranoia are really becoming too much for Kevin to handle and he'll probably leave me for it because subconsciously I push people away.
I have this fascination with Angelina Jolie and not because she's seemingly flawless but because she's really unique and quite frankly, fucked up. I watch too much E! and I know far too much about celebrity lives and relationships and I know her and Brad are having problems and I’ve once read that she thinks it's because she pushes men away from her subconsciously because of the relationship she has with her father. Well, I can relate.
My father has fucked me up in ways I couldn’t fathom until now. Always spying on me, tapping the phone, throwing me into counseling and confronting me with "We know you gave Norman a blowjob" when I was 13. Also, the fact he's controlled my money and sheltered me to the point of rebellion up until a few months ago does not help.
I was never close to anyone in my family, now whether or not that is an issue because I'm adopted, and subconsciously THAT has affected me, is still up for debate. But as a child my dad would try and wake me up by kissing me on the cheek and I'd kick him in the stomach or slap him. That was a bit brutal huh? Also, I would scream my head off, according to my mom, if a man stepped in an elevator with us. Apparently, I've always had problems with men and I wonder if this burden will always be something for me to bear. I’ve never even attempted to have a relationship with my mom, but that’s because we just don’t click… at all. I feel bad, it’s just I feel she tries too hard to have one with me and she is constantly asking questions and putting so much attention on me that I guess the spotlight she shines on me is repulsive and scary. One always hesitates before talking about adoption with someone they know who is adopted just because they don’t know if they are likely to hit a sore spot. Well, I’m a tough cookie there and that problem doesn’t bother me, it’s just knowing I don’t know my blood, where I came from and that sense of belonging or family has never existed. I think that is why I’ve pressed so hard on the ideas of marriage and having a family, because I want to have someone who is my blood, who wants to be a family with me, because I don’t feel that with mine. It’s nothing they did, all in all they were great parents, who gave me lots of things money can and
can’t buy, but there’s nothing they or anyone else can do to give me that feeling of home.
Well, I think Kevin could and has and that is why I’m so in love with him. One of my best friends, Jeanne, who is really like my sister said, "Oh I already know this is the guy you are going to marry."
Well my train of thought has derailed entirely, infact I don’t even think it was on the track. All I can say is I’m fucked up and I warn everyone before they get close to me that I’ve got baggage. To quote RENT "I’m looking for baggage that goes with mine.." I love him and fear that one day he will realize how amazing, beautiful and gifted he is and think "I could have whoever I want...I dont need to be with her" and leave me.
I just wrote this about Kevin. I feel like he use to be so obsessed and into me, when I read his blogs on myspace right before we started dating, he'd talk about me so much and the wayyyss he'd talk about me would make me melt. But I fear that he doesnt see me as that beautiful person he wanted to get to know. Now I worry he feels trapped, or like I fooled him into this.
He use to take me as a gift
He would pine to hold my heart
He would die to taste my kiss.
But we’re quite past that now
We’re too far ahead of the crowd
I try to keep him around
But I only seem to let him down.
The flame is fading out
Our spark is just a flicker
Hold on we’re not there yet...
And I’m just getting sicker.
-Katie Paisant-
My heart can't sit still, for it's constantly jumping up and down like a kid in a candy store. In the few moments of suspense, when the sugary goodness remains intangible, are the longest seconds of my life. You want something so bad and even when it’s in your reach it still feels like it is miles away.
Why is it that love can make a sane person crazy? Why do these earthly desires make you feel immortal or invincible? I mean, if they are just chemicals than love is just an earthly plague. When you are struck by love, bitten or stung there’s that moment of pain, but it's the anticipation of waiting for something to happen, when so many risks are involved in order to get to the other side. It’s like jumping from one skyscraper to the next, either you will make the leap or you’ll dissolve in the amount of space from point a to point b.
I've always been nothing but a mess. Some may say a beautiful mess, because I'm chaotic, weird, loud and impulsive but I love how I am. I just hate how I am when I'm in love. Everything goes extreme. Happy moments feel like heaven and sad ones feel like hell. If he talks about a pretty girl and he's nobody, I dont care I could go on and on about her titties, but if he's mine, I want him to only adore and talk about me. I get so psychotically jealous, that my puppy eyes turn into enraged tiger eyes.
Thus concluding that love is bipolar and I am not. I'm totally sane by myself and being in love, makes me bipolar. But I'd rather be crazy in love than sane and out of love. Life is deeper and the rollercoaster has higher climbs and lower dips and twists and turns, making my life a hell of a lot more exciting and meaningful.
Which rollercoaster did I go on? The one with 8 loops, 3 sudden drops, with my hands in the air and my feet dangling.
He is my everything and when he is gone, I will have nothing as important and meaningful as him.
Why is it that love can make a sane person crazy? Why do these earthly desires make you feel immortal or invincible? I mean, if they are just chemicals than love is just an earthly plague. When you are struck by love, bitten or stung there’s that moment of pain, but it's the anticipation of waiting for something to happen, when so many risks are involved in order to get to the other side. It’s like jumping from one skyscraper to the next, either you will make the leap or you’ll dissolve in the amount of space from point a to point b.
I've always been nothing but a mess. Some may say a beautiful mess, because I'm chaotic, weird, loud and impulsive but I love how I am. I just hate how I am when I'm in love. Everything goes extreme. Happy moments feel like heaven and sad ones feel like hell. If he talks about a pretty girl and he's nobody, I dont care I could go on and on about her titties, but if he's mine, I want him to only adore and talk about me. I get so psychotically jealous, that my puppy eyes turn into enraged tiger eyes.
Thus concluding that love is bipolar and I am not. I'm totally sane by myself and being in love, makes me bipolar. But I'd rather be crazy in love than sane and out of love. Life is deeper and the rollercoaster has higher climbs and lower dips and twists and turns, making my life a hell of a lot more exciting and meaningful.
Which rollercoaster did I go on? The one with 8 loops, 3 sudden drops, with my hands in the air and my feet dangling.
He is my everything and when he is gone, I will have nothing as important and meaningful as him.
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:clicking of my coworkers mouse
Reality bites you with his fangs and drains you till the life left inside is dangling from a flimsy thread of floss. If you're like me, you've been biten so much, you allow your submissive side to creep out of the closet and subject yourself to the pain over and over like a hamster running nowhere on a wheel. Samsara, pain, this cycle of rebirth and death. I have love but this is still hell.
I just heard the train track's screeching wheels. They sounded as if they were being tortured as the ample train tugged it along, screaming "STOP!" but the train pushed along. At first the overtones were consonant but then the dissonance arrived as I heard a minor interval turning the chord into a diminished seventh. How intoxicating it was to hear this haunting chord parroting through the sky. Dissonance...it's what life is. Beautiful because there is that prescence of sound and painful because the sound can turn into an explosive cacophony.
- Location:work
- Mood:
cranky - Music:the annoying sound of someone saying my name repeatedly
Okay so my journal isnt friends only for the time being but I reaaallly like this friends only banner ; )
